Horoscopes for Hypochondriacs—February

Aries (3/21-4/19): Love is in the air on the 14th. So is Ebola. Wash your hands and avoid anyone who’s bleeding from every orifice.

Taurus (4/20-5/20): You might want to wear rubber gloves if you touch any door handles on the 3rd, but don’t worry—they can treat leprosy now.

Gemini (5/21-6/20): A painful rabies vaccination will come in handy when a raccoon gets in through the dog door on the 28th.

Cancer (6/21-7/22): Don’t try on any pants on the 12th. Jock itch is rampant.

Leo (7/23-8/22): You are particularly susceptible to rat bite fever on the 15th. Vacuum every surface in your house, so as to avoid attracting rodents.

Virgo (8/23-9/22): Steer clear of any and all animals this month. Who knows which ones could be carrying the bubonic plague? Take a cold shower after going outside.

Libra (9/23-10/22): Take two bottles of vitamin C on the 11th to avoid scurvy. You can’t overdose on that stuff, right?

Scorpio (10/23-11/21): Disinfect your kitchen with Lysol three or four times on the 6th to get rid of any salmonella. Maybe clean it a fifth time just to be safe.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): On the 23rd, spend a quiet evening at home. It could be a stiff neck or it could be viral meningitis.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Eat that Valentine’s Day chocolate carefully—inhaling food can cause pneumonia.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Your love life will take a bit of a nosedive when you contract syphilis after a casual encounter on the 16th. Now don’t you wish you used a condom?

Pisces (2/19-3/20): Wear a gas mask and a hazmat suit on the 21st. Who knows what you might catch out there?

9 Responses

1. 10:14 AM on February 1st, 2007Anonymous:

   that’s kind of stupid

2. 11:05 AM on February 1st, 2007anon:

   shut up anonymous, i like this one

3. 7:17 PM on February 1st, 2007virgo:

   mmm a cold shower…that sound nice…

4. 9:50 AM on February 2nd, 2007Yo:

   so random, haha.

5. 9:52 PM on February 4th, 2007Anonymous:

   i’m glad i’m not Aquarius

6. 9:25 AM on February 7th, 2007horoscope master:

   these horoscopes SUCK!!!!
   learn how to write real horoscopes were you dont get fucked up by a disease

7. 12:18 PM on February 7th, 2007hehehaha001:

   more like horoscopes for [i]hydro[/i]chondriacs right guys?

8. 9:21 AM on March 27th, 2007Gabe Thomas:

   horoscopes make me very very very sad

9. 9:25 AM on March 27th, 2007Daniel Cohen:

   I like to be a dandy litle dandy all day long darling

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