Cougar Holiday Gift Guide

With Christmas just ahead, (or behind you, depending on when you read this) my halls are decked, stockings hung, and I think I had a dream about sugarplums last night-not that I have any idea what sugarplums are. One evening, over eggnog, gingerbread men, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, I was hit by a vision. A shining, rosy-cheeked angel spoke to me about the spirit of Christmas. Actually, the color on my TV was turned up too bright and I mistook Linus for a cherub.

The point is, his message was as strong today as it was in 1965. We should take a step back from the commercialism of the season, and do things to promote peace and good will.
With that idea in mind, I feel I should help people this holiday season. I could go to a charitable organization and donate or volunteer, but instead I’ve decided to review this years popular children’s toys as a guide for parents.

The only roadblock, however, is that I have no actual access to any of these products. So instead, I’ve reviewed them based on their descriptions from places like on Amazon.com’s “Top Toy Picks,” “Toys ‘R’ Us.com” and various people who told me about them.

1. Barbie Forever Tawny Horse with Majestic Mane

   Like most people, I have at one point wanted a horse. Now my dream can finally come true, using only my imagination and 2 AA batteries. Initially, I was excited by the prospect of all the horse adventures I could have. However, these adventures were not to be. According to the “Product Features,” the horse in question “Makes a clip-clop sound when she walks and a neighing sound.” Skip this gift. What are they teaching kids? That the clipping and clopping comes from inside the horse? That’s just irresponsible. Also, as for safety, I’m pretty sure I could choke on that tiny plastic bucket of oats.
   Rating: Three Stars

2. Shake & Go Racers

   The novelty of these tiny cars is that you shake them, and then their battery operated motors make them move across the floor, table, sandbox, sleeping parent, etc. This idea seems completely backwards. We’re teaching kids to shake cars? What happens when kids try and really perform these actions? On second thought, parents: buy this for your child. Just make sure to have them send me postcards from the freak show they join after an unfortunate car shaking accident.
   Rating: Two Stars

3. Razor Scooter Pro Model

   Razor Scooters? Didn’t these die a boring death like six years ago? Also, “Pro Model?” I’m pretty sure that, given how far one can actually progress skills-wise with one of these, any eight-year-old with a helmet and a free afternoon or so can qualify as “Pro.”
   Rating: Three Diamonds

4. Play Along Speed Stacks StackPack Competitive Game

   For God’s sake, it contains 11 cups, a box, and a book that tells you how to stack them, then un-stack them.
   Rating: One Star

5. Moff Jerjerrod - Star Wars The Saga Collection

   Now this is a toy I can get into. Moff Jerjerrod is an integral, yet all-to-often overlooked character in the Star Wars franchise. Don’t tell me you don’t remember him. He was the imperial officer who Darth Vader told to oversee the building of the second Death Star. More importantly, according to Wookieepedia, (the Star Wars Wiki) in an early draft, Moff had a very complex character, but that was scrapped by George Lucas for time reasons. I also learned on Wookieepedia that he stands 1.7 meters and was born on the planet Tinnel IV in 41 BBY. The price for this immovable, plastic representation of a character with about 5 minutes screen time? $10.91.
   Rating: Five Equilateral Triangles

6. The Hamster

   Maybe if you take really good care of it, next year you’ll get that puppy.
   Rating: I wanted a puppy.

7. Left Behind: Eternal Forces

   This is the controversial game that has been criticized for it’s subject matter. The jist of it is, you either convert “evil people,” such as rock stars and Satanists to Christianity, or kill them. However, if you kill them, you lose “Spirit Points,” and have to stop and pray. I’ve been informed that if I say anything opinionated about this game, I will have my knees broken.
   Rating: You’ll buy this regardless of what I say, solely for the shock value.

8. Monopoly

   This is a tough one. Since I’ve never actually made it through a round of Monopoly that didn’t end in violence or adult language, I’m not sure if I can really qualify this as a children’s toy. But more importantly, what franchise won’t Monopoly horn in on? Star Wars Monopoly, Spongebob Monopoly, Golf Monopoly, Rock N’ Rollopoly… What’s next? I forsee Monopoly: Civil War Edition, Boring Government Processopoly, and Thrift Store Monopoly.
   Rating: Three Starsopoly

9. Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle

   You’ll shoot your eye out.
   Rating: How about a football instead?

10. Lawn Darts

    What could be better? Heavy, plastic darts with 16” nails attached to the ends. The object of the game? Throw them across your yard at targets! Oh…Wait.
    “On December 19, 1988, all lawn darts were banned from sale in the United States by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. Lawn darts, used in an outdoor game, have been responsible for the deaths of four children, the latest being in early 1997 near Elkhart, Indiana. It should be noted that the specific incident that caused lawn darts to be made illegal also involved beer.” -Wikipedia.org
    Rating: I’m pretty sure I’ll get arrested.
    

13 Responses

1. 1:39 PM on December 23rd, 2006Matthew:

   terrible. not the least bit funny. ignorant.

2. 7:13 PM on December 23rd, 2006sonia:

   haha trust me you don’t want a puppy, sitck to the hamster…even if it is a lame gift. oh, and just for the record, I actually did laugh when I read this, good job.

3. 11:08 AM on December 24th, 2006no name:

   terrible.. ignorant ..

4. 2:44 PM on December 25th, 2006Eric:

   Thank you Matt and no name (also Matt). Always good to hear from a fan.

5. 1:02 PM on December 26th, 2006The Gork:

   just to make things clear, that other Matt and I are not the same person

6. 11:57 PM on December 28th, 2006eric:

   u can not write

7. 8:29 PM on December 30th, 2006matthew:

   and clearly neither can you, eric

8. 8:30 PM on December 30th, 2006syd'quan:

   eric, i like whatchu doin wit all dem words

9. 1:14 AM on January 1st, 2007Eric:

   All you people leaving these inappropriate comments on my story are ignorant, and are all metaphors for American politics. The ignorance shows how we are currently in the war in Iraq.

10. 8:12 PM on January 2nd, 2007Eric:

    That wasn’t actually me, for the ignorant folks at home who believed it.

11. 8:15 AM on January 4th, 2007Eric (now in 3-D!):

    Comment 9, I’m gonna assume you were in DeHarts history class last year. And if so, good call.

12. 11:39 PM on January 4th, 2007Eric:

    We gots us some fancy comments here.

13. 11:42 PM on January 4th, 2007Cougar Administrator:

    Okay, that’s enough for this post. These comments are completely off-topic.

Comments are closed.