Bringing Sexy Back

As I walked into the Cinemark Theater in Chico on a Saturday afternoon I was looking forward to two plus hours of fun. And hotties. Mostly hotties.

It is important that I say that New Moon was far from faultless: the acting was not so good, the writing was kind of lame, and the special effects were predictable. However, as an over all experience, the film was a triumph of entertainment. Nowhere else can you enjoy such pure girlhood fantasy brought to life.

The Twilight Saga movies were created to give the perfect hero a physical form in the shape of Robert Pattinson and provide a heroine onto whom girls could project their own image (not to mention their hopes and dreams). Pattinson’s tousled hair and brooding eyes worked wonders in the first film, but in New Moon the powers that be took Edward Cullen in a whole new direction. However, what the producers failed to realize as they ordered more glitter for their romantic lead’s chest was the fact that sallow, jaundice skin isn’t going to get better with sparkles. As Edward removed his shirt in order to “cause a scene” in Italy, the audience gasped. In it was the faint sound of dreams being crushed as dozens of preteens in the audience realized that their dream boyfriend appeared to suffer from a severe case of the uglies. It was disgusting.

Perhaps the audience would have had a better reaction to this final unveiling if the movie had not been full of shirtless Native American men previous to that moment. As it was, only the hardcore book fans still wanted Bella to get with Edward at the end of the film and risk contracting whatever illnesses he had. The more sane people were grasping their best friends hands franticly hoping Bella would get with Jacob at the same time as praying he wouldn’t so they could have him for themselves. Why this dilemma of right and wrong? Well to put it simply, Taylor Lautner is the most attractive person in his generation of stars (yes, this does include Megan Fox). Don’t believe me? When I asked junior Ana Castillo-James what she thought of him she quickly responded: “ My friend and I spent all of my Friday night looking up videos of him. On a scale of one to hot tamales he is like three billion hot tamales with extra hot sauce.” Case in point.

It is for this reason that New Moon ticket sales are through the roof and girls everywhere have had to rethink their unwavering love for Mr. Cullen.

4 Responses

1. 8:30 AM on December 14th, 2009annoynmous senior:

   hahaha this article is genius.

2. 5:59 AM on January 11th, 2010azjqqie:

   ur skool is lame

3. 9:32 AM on January 11th, 2010Anonymous:

   This Artiicle wazz Awesome.. but ii thiink Twiiliight wazz an Excellent movie (mii opiiniion) =)

4. 11:33 AM on January 11th, 2010debbie:

   yee

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